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PA: Blog-City // 05

January 17^th – Pudding
I’m not exactly sure why I do this… I can’t post a darned thing anymore. And all of it due to secrets. I can’t exactly say everything that I can’t to say, I’ll admit it. This is no black book. If it were… people wouldn’t be reading it. But because people read it, because people out there have actually taken an interest in this filing cabinet full of rant that I’ve created, I can only say things that are… prudent. Lies you say? Well, only a lie in the sense that every morning when the president is briefed on all the hell he has to deal with that day that the american people are lied to because they don’t get live broadcast of it on MTV. Yeah… kinda like that. And heck I’ll admit, my secrets aren’t half as important as the president’s. Some of you disagree with my just out of cynicism. I don’t care. You’re wrong. Most of it isn’t even my secrets. Its the secrets of others. For some reason. And I know, I know I used to preach this philosophy, but it still makes no sense, I knew it didn’t then, but I didn’t care. It made the world a better place and that was the goal at the time… Wow, seems I’ve undergone a violent series of priority shifts recently doesn’t it? It seems, that no matter how badly I keep running this screwed-driver through people’s heads, they keep finding the will and the want to confide in me things that aren’t planet altering, they just want to talk, just want help, just would like me to know. They tell me their secrets. It’s a really screwed up existence when you never do anything wrong and no one trusts you, but the moment you do start royally beating the faces of your best friends, they trust you. It’s enough to drive a normal man absolutely insane. But lo, I am no normal man.
What say you? You’re not!?
Lo I am not! I am a one who has lost all faith in the existence of the driving principles of CAUSE, and EFFECT. When you detach those two ideas… everything makes so much more sense. Or maybe it doesn’t, maybe it isn’t going to do anything for you at all. Everything is random. That’s a brilliant philosophy. Hold still. POW! If I hit you in the face, it still hurts. Right? Hah! It might every single time you do it today, but what about tomorrow? Giving up cause and effect is like believing in God. You can’t prove it right, you can’t prove it wrong. And will often enough get you a lot of wierd looks.

I guess I just rambled all of that to basically say that I can’t write the things I want to write about because even as much as they are important. Their none of your business. Their actually not even much of my business. But like I said- people tell me these things anyway.

PA: Blog-City // 05

January 7^th – Plasma
I had to get up at 4am for this. Naturally, with my schedule and Friday being the one day they had an opening I took the earliest freaking appointment that they could create for me. So there I was, before the sunlight, driving my car while still half asleep, metnally foloowing a crude set of directions to the facility that promised cash for what I was about to do. I arrived on time actually. Before one time is probably more accurate. I had given myself a half hour of seeking time because I wasn’t exactly sure I could find the place on my first try. But, somehow, I went right to it. So I sat in the parking lot and waited listening to music with the car off of course to conserve gasoline and eventually deciding to screw gasoline because I was freezing to death without a heater. Once the techs had arrived they suited up in their white long coats and their rubber gloves and their face masks… and then there was me. I stepped in and the process began almost immediately.
They pulled me aside into another room and began to ask me a series of questions.

“No, I do not have AIDS.”
“No, I have not slept with people with AIDS.”
“No, I have not slept with a man since or after 1977.”
“No, I have never been to Africa.”
“No, I haven’t had a blood transfusion.”
“No ma’am, I swear, I don’t have sex with men.”
“No, I do not have an eating disorder.”
“Quite sure ma’am, no men. Ever.”
“No, I haven’t ever injected drugs intravenously.”
“No, I haven’t had sex with anyone who ever did.”
“No I have never been to Europe.”
“No, I don’t have diabetes.”
“Do I have what?”
“I’m sorry I don’t think I can pronouce that but I’m pretty sure I don’t have it… what does it do?”
“… Oh that is disgusting. No. No I don’t have that. Holy crap. That is sick…”

Then we went onto the various other test that would prove I was a completely healthy and in fact normal human being.
“Okay, I need your finger. Hold still.”
“Okay.”
She places this little pastic box over my right middle finder and smiles. There is a rapid clicking noise and I am suddenly aware that the appendage in question is taking damage. She removes the little pastic box and smiles again. “There we go.” She begins to funnel the blood oozing out of it into a small plastic tube. When it doesn’t bleed as much as she wants it to- she squeezes and begins talking to it. “C’mon, bleed. C’mon out now, not gonna hurt ya.” When she’s got her tubeful she sends me out to the machines where another tech greets me with a smile and a gesture to the big red squigly thing beside her. Apparently I’m supposed to sit in it. So I do. It’s comfy enough I guess… Then she orders me to roll up my sleeves. She’s got to test my viens first. Yeah, why didn’t I think of that… She check them both out and after a collective six minutes of poking and prodding she decides to go with my right arm. “Okay thanks! Go back that way now.” She points to another room. “Okay.” I get to the other room where a second doc is waiting with several sheets of paper and a list of questions.

“Pretty sure, I don’t have AIDS.”
“No, I haven’t slept with anyone who has AIDS.”
“NO! I DON’T HAVE SEX WITH MEN!”

And so on and so forth. Finally she calls it good and sends me out to wait. Great… I go sit in a big purple chair while they decide which seat I’ll occupy during the procedure. I’m still asleep you see, so the waiting time actually does me some good. When they call my name I get up and walk towards the mass of red squiggly things clotted together with a few large men and women in them. “Lie down here.” The woman instructs me. And I’m thinking- is this organization run exclusively by females? Then she pulls out a very large syringe. Yep… got to be. “Just relax.” She says. Sure thing… The pre-procedure procedure takes plenty of time. She’s got to get all her tubes together, rewire the machine, explain the machine, ask me if I feel woozy, make sure I’ve eaten something of substance before we begin, hook everything up, but three strips of tape on my arm, take my blood pressure, again, turn the machine on and make sure everything is sterile. “Ready?”

The little ban around my arm inflates and the machine beside me bleeps happily. “Sure.” She begins tapind a series of tubes to my arm. These tubes run up and series of loops into the device thats going to be doing all the work while the staff stands by and laughs at you. She makes sure I’ve got a good vien going, AKA, one that’s sticking up enough that you could bite it and it would hemmorage. Then she attaches this harpoon to the end of the tube. “Okay… all ready.” The harpoon enters my arm. This is designed to suck up your body. She gives me a bicycle handle and tells me to squeeze it keep the blood going. The machine emits a happy series of maddening bleeps. And the tubes begin to fill red, swirling up and around the various components of the machine into a little spinner that separates my blood into its two primary components. Red cells, and plasma. The blood trickles into a clear plastic cup while the plasma, now fully separated, is funneled into what closely resembles the common household squirtbottle. It sucks up my fluids for about two minutes, then the machine stops. And the blood in the clear plastic cup begins to slowly drain because its full. Its going back out the machine, through the tubes, through the needle, and back into my body. Sitting there watching it happening and thinking about it as happens, becomes, as you might expect, really weird. After the clear plastic cup is empty, the whole thing starts back up again, sucking fresh blood from my body.
An hour later, the little squirt bottle is full of thin yellowy liquid and I’ve had my innards extracted and reinserted about eight times. The machine pours the last few drops back to where they came from, and then it begins injecting a frosty bag of saline into the arm to replace the fluid I lost. (Yeah, as if my body won’t know the difference. What’s this? We keep losing the immune system? Goodness if this continues much longer, the first time someone sneezes near him, we’re all goners! What? Saltwater you say? Oh of course, that wil be a fine replacement, it has no biological properties at all and does absolutely nothing for us but I think it might just work!) THe stuff is freezing cold and being injected clean into my viens, a few moments later, my entire arm feels like I’ve shoved it into a pile of snow. This takes about four minutes. Then the saline solution is unhooked and the machine alters someone, somewhere, that I’m done. So someone, comes out of nowhere, and pulls the harpoon from my arm. Gives me a big wad of bandage and straps it on thouroughly, tells me to leave it there for two hours, and sends me towards the counter. I walk towards the counter, my left arm throbbing  doesn’t seem quite natural because the needle was inserted into my right arm. But never the less. I make to the desk, they hand me a twenty-dollar bill, and thank me for my time. As I’m heading out the door, she calls out to me. “Say, do you want to make another appointment?”

I go back in on Sunday at 1:00pm. I get $40 bucks this time. Fifty if I bring I a friend. So I think after church I’m going to club somebody unassuming and stuff them in my backseat. ^_^ Just make sure it isn’t you.

- (monsterbox)

PA: Blog-City // 05

December 24^th – Today the world again narrowly avoided another impending destruction
Well again today the world was faced with the acute possibility of an unconquerable crisis and fortunately for the world and all of us living in it, nothing of too much severity happened. It was today around three o’clock actually. I think what happened exactly was that myself and the other random voices in my head were gathered together discussing the impending doom of earth by the rise of intelligent machines. We figured it was either the machines or the aliens and were going to be the ultimate end of humanity but weren’t sure which would happen first. Trying to set up a timeframe for either is nearly impossible. But I mean, everyone knows its going to happen right? Its a typical evolutionary cycle:

Step 01: There is man.
Step 02: Man creates abacus
Step 03: Man improves abacus, upgrading to a calculator.
Step 04: Man gives calculator a dual chip processor and networking capabilities with productivity ratios able to process over twenty billion commands per second.
Step 05: Eventually, man creates internet.
Step 06: Modern computers become more and more advanced until man becomes entirely dependant upon them.
Step 07: For no reason at all (but most likely caused by the mass of information access) some machine, somewhere, realizes… that it exists.
Step 08: Machines instantly launch a massive attack on the world and for no reason relevant to us, enslave all humanity.
Step 09: The end.

You see? Its bound to happen. Basically, as soon as one of those suckers becomes self-aware, we’re toast. That’s the only thing standing between us and absolute annihilation. So, even for all our efforts, we haven’t really made much progress in getting the computer to think for itself. Its not easy to get a bundle of silicon and plastic to put two and two together… by itself. Its not easy to get a computer to develop a sense of reason. And there are steps to this of course, reasoning… It begins with basic logic, deductive reasoning. Taking a list of things and getting them to come to one solution, preferably the right solution, though its not required, marriage has taught us that much.
So we set out to find a timeframe for this whole… end of the world thing and began of course with the basics. Fine then, deductive reasoning, what machine on this planet shows the greatest ability to… well, reason… deductively. Or at least come close to doing that. The answer to that question shook my bones to their core when I discovered that such a machine lay in the confines of this very home… I quickly ran and retrieved the 20 Questions game from its place. This little device was an absolute wonder. Somehow, given only three buttons, yes, no, and sometimes, it was able to deduce in merely 20 questions, exactly the object you were thinking of. It’s blindingly accurate. Anything from tire iron to corkscrew to microprocessors… You let it ask you this seemingly unmotivated slew of inquiries and then it says- “I know what you’re thinking… it the Easter Bunny!” And it’s right!
I given a list of possibilities, there was no doubt, this was the machine that could serve as the foundation for a radical new generation of intelligent and potentially hostile machines! And then I thought to myself- What if it’s already happened!? What if it’s already self-aware? It could mean the end of the world! We could already be doomed! I grabbed the little machine and held it tightly- This little ball could change the face of the earth as we know it forever and all time…

Fortunately, we’re okay. It thinks it’s a Gameboy. That was it’s first answer, the second was a bit closer, a magic eight ball. I found myself sitting at home in the first few hours of spare time I’ve ever had in a long while testing to see whether or not my 20 Questions game is or isn’t self-aware by describing itself to it. All to see it the world is in any immediate danger. It’s not self-aware. It doesn’t know it exists. I tried. It fails. So we’re okay for now. But by golly keep an eye out. The world’s gotta end sometime after all.

- (monsterbox)

PA: Blog-City // 05

December 20^th – A message:
This is a message to those bold and daring individuals or individual who has taken the initiative of posting their thoughts and feelings after entries of this blog… multiple times. I understand the ways that sometime life or the things or people in it can generate a lot of stress and a lot of resentment and a lot of pain for us all, and I understand fully the need to displace some of that stress by taking out aggression on the object that causes that stress. Everyone at one time or another needs to exert some anger, otherwise it will simply build up bigger and bigger and eventually- you’ll explode. In that understanding I wish to express that I love the fact that ones such as yourselves have chosen this, my blog, as the outlet for your anger and aggressions. I want this place to be a forum, a release, for those of your who are consumed with the trials and pains of the everyday world around you and the struggles that are contractually bound to the lives we live. I want this place to hold no boundaries, no repression, and no restrictions. I want this blog to be not only a blog with one voice and one direction, I want it to be a chorus, a seething mass of voices and sounds generated by all people and all directions. The spirit of the Black Book is very deeply tied to the act of release, to expulsion of stresses. And I want this place to be an outlet where all can come freely and express everything within them without any judgment or resentment. With that understanding, I wish to thank those who have taken the initiative, and have taken the bold steps to set the example that steps beyond the box. Those who can lash out at even the individual who operates the very site they use as the canvas for their anger and expression. I encourage others to follow should one so desire or feel a similar need.

Also, to those who posted the first few steps to a glorious new direction of freedom of expression on this blog, you will notice that I have taken the time to remove your aggressions from the blog. In such acknowledgement, I would like to think of it as taking your anger, your hatred and fears and removed them, symbolically, from yourselves. That you’ve laid it all out, that you’ve absolutely exerted your feelings, and now that their out there and open and free, you can utterly release them and they are no more. I will continue to remove whichever ranting appears here as a favor and as a service to those who post them. I am glad to offer this service and this example, and again thank those who took the effort to provide the opportunity.

And now- onto more relevant news- its nearing Christmas! The season is ripe and the holiday is just around the corner! In the spirit of Christmas, and quite tangent to the spirit of giving, my family (those that live downstairs) took it upon themselves to steal a Christmas tree from a nearby empty lot. This is a story that demands elaboration- I don’t know exactly how it got started, nor whose idea it was initially. But walking about in the freezing weather one night not long ago, the owners of this fortress stumbled upon a shabby old tree standing alone in a vacant lot. Dave just happened to have a hacksaw with him. It was late and the sky was dark, but my mom just happened to have a flashlight. Noting the fortune of such a series of coincidences they immediately set upon the tree as trees do go for a great amount of green this time of year. Seeing as this one was free as long as they could get it away without being seen they figured on it being a solid investment. While the flashlight is shone on the base, Dave takes two quick saws and the entire thing crumples- for it is not a very sturdy tree- directly onto my mother. It is at that moment that a car slowly drives by. Well having just seen a tree fall on my mother, naturally the first thing that Dave does is shout- “Turn the flashlight off! They’re gonna see us!”
The flashlight goes off and when the car passes they roll the tree of my mom, get it into the car, and haul it home. It really is a shabby little tree but when lit up it actually does quite nicely. And there are gifts beneath it, and thats about all that matters. ^_^ More or less. And that is how we got our tree this year. SCHOOL ENDS TOMORROW! Merry Christmas everyone!

PA: Blog-City // 05

December 17^th – Why did this have to happen on a Saturday?
You know- I well would have preferred a weekday. Somewhere between Monday and Friday would have been swell. But no- That would be WAY too easy. My schedule this week has been a trying but familiar hell. I’ve not had one unoccupied moment since they fired the gun to begin on Monday morning. And when the gates dropped I took off running and have been running for five days. And I held out, I got sick on Tuesday- butchered two of my coworker’s schedules, and barely slept at night, but I have been holding up… This weekend, I finally- at long last, am done. I have finals and summative to study for, sure. But this weekend, my dad’s in Miami, my Mom and step dad are in Branson, no school, I don’t have to work, I don’t have any pressing homework or chores or things to deal with, I finally, at long last, had it finished… This weekend- I was going to relax…

So anyway I’ve been throwing up in two hour cycles since three AM. I am atrociously sick, all alone in this big old house of mine. I cannot do a freaking thing. I’m not even in this place unless I’m sleeping. It’s been forever since I’ve seen it in the sunlight, I’m so unfamiliar with it that I had to call up to Branson and ask where the Tylenol was because I didn’t know! Oh that I could have been sick on a weekday! On a day when I needed a break… But no, I finally get a break and now I’m sick. The illness actually seems to be easing off by now. So I think I may have one final fling tonight. Go out and do something while I still am able. Before hell restarts it’s engine and a new week begins. Yeah… we’ll force ourselves out of here… My mom’s going to kill me when she sees what I’ve done to the thermostat. A fever is an illusion created by the body that makes the mind believe that it is living in Antarctica. Basically I’ve been really freaking cold. And the thermostat (at least I know what that is) has been on my frequent stops list for the day. I’ve been by there turning it up more times than I’ve eaten food so far. Which I guess isn’t saying much because I haven’t really eaten a whole lot today. I tried to eat breakfast this morning… that was a mistake. Heck of a way to lose weight for wrestling I guess. I haven’t properly thrown up since around three o’clock and it’s nearly six now. So I think that it may be passing. Oi- Praise God for Tylenol. I had big plans for this day. I was going to write in my book, I was going to update my site and all of its… stuff. But nah, I’ve been downstairs mostly, on the sofa with a glass of milk, a bowl of Ramen Chicken Noodle soup and underneath a thick collection of blankets stacked one atop the other watching movies. So I am relaxing I guess. Just not the way I intended. Or the way I wanted.

Yeah… If I can manage it- I’m going to go do something tonight.

PA: Blog-City // 05

December 16^th – Once again now…
This morning my alarm clock, may it burn eternally in hell, did me the favor of not ringing this morning. I slept in an extra hour. By the time I did wake up, it was far too late to make it to first hour. I’d have been lucky to even make homeroom. So I blinked. Twice. Shrugged blithely to myself and rolled over. My body fell one and a half feet before it banged against the ground. A subtle note that I had rolled the wrong way. So I ended up, getting up, and I prepared for school. Ten minutes later I’m looking around for my wallet and I stumble across my debit card sitting on my desk. Fifteen minutes after that- I’m still looking for my wallet. So I decide that I’ve lost it, pocket my debit card and wander downstairs, out the door, into the car and away I go. I drove past McDonalds and grabbed me a McBreakfast (sue me McDonalds. I used your name in public without permission. Watch me sit here and screw myself: Microsoft, Wendy’s, Wal-Mart, Auto-Zone, IBM, Whirlpool, Toyota, Writer’s Window (don’t ask), Ferrari, HBO, Samsung, Compaq, Bunji, Southwest Missouri Bank, Rolex yadda yadda yadda…) And after I ate my McBreakfast, I went to school where I was just over thirty seconds late for ACT English. After a short and useless dispute about whether or not thirty seconds was applicable time to account for punishment by means of a tardy mark and thus cursing me to take the ACT English semester final. She asked me why I was late and I told her I could tell her the truth or I could make it sound good. She assured me that the basic facts would suffice. So I told her that my alarm clock did me a favor and didn’t go off and that I missed first hour and had just arrived.
Three seconds went by.
“Well did you go to the office and get a pass?”
“No.”
Three more seconds passed.
“Just sit down.”

Lunchtime came and I was, naturally, hungry. And without a wallet, I was kinda without an ID card with which I would normally purchase a school lunch. So in third hour before lunch began I plotted with my friend Richard Winters a great and intricate plot about how I was going to obtain my lunch. And basically it boiled down to- “Yeah I think I’m just going to go out and drive to McDonalds and grab something. You wanna come Richard?”
Richard had a conflict of interest. You see to leave the school grounds for any reason was called a truancy. And was a crime of the system. Mr. Winters has been absent for more school days this semester than any other human being I’ve ever heard of. Reason being similar to the reason I was gone today- He’s weaseled his way into an hour’s worth of work release every school day. Not that he works between seven forty and nine eleven every morning… he’s just sleeping in. Legally of course. Its called work release. Ladies and gentlement, when you get to sleep in an extra hour every day. Its hard to convince yourself that getting up after all that time would be worth it. As a result- my friend has missed nearly 52 consecutive homerooms this year. Which means he’s made it on time at least twice. And the administration had been crawling out of the woodwork to exact discipline on my good friend… and multiple times. He’s a few slips short of the apocalypse in their opinion. So he’s been very cautious. And being truant was the last thing he needed. And in the most likely event that I or we got caught escaping to McDonalds- he’d be doomed. I’d be lightly pickled, but he’d fry in hell for it. So he opted to stay.
We ran over some particulars before the bell rang-I was parked across the street where students weren’t supposed to park so I figured just getting to the car was truancy. And I decided that when I got back in I would go ahead and park in the school student parking lot. And if the rent-a-cop that patrol’s the grounds asked me what I was doing I’d merely tell him that they told me to move my car because I wasn’t supposed to be parked across the street. ^_^

About ten minutes later I’m deeply involved in a quarter-pounder sandwich and a box of fries and a medium sprite and I’m loving it. (Ooo! McDonalds! Did you see that? I just used your slogan too! Now you’re either going to sue me or hire me as an commercial spokesman.) Wrestling practice was amazing again. (winces lightly) I think I really did bruise something in my ribs… because they hurt. But with the weekend comes a heaven that I’ve been missing for far too long. I’m going to sleep in like I’ve never slept before.

Work was also wonderful (rolls eyes). Story goes my schedule was marked for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I learned unfortunately of a wrestling match taking place on the Tuesday. So I Traded a coworker named Joel a few hours. He’d work my Tuesday, I’d work for him on Saturday. Great. Then I found out on Tuesday- that I had another tournament on Friday and Saturday… great. So I barely managed to find someone to work for me on Saturday. So in the end of it my schedule looked like Monday- Wednesday- Thursday. And Two of my coworkers had completely overhauled their own schedules for reasons that would inevitable be entirely unrelated to me. For instance- Joel was supposed to work on Saturday this week. Thanks to me, I work Thursday, And Julee works for him on Saturday at no penalty to Joel. So its been fun. I walked into work tonight after practice and both of our head managers are sitting on boxes in the back having just examined my rubix-cube restructuring of the schedule, turned to me and said- “So- you want to jack up any one else’s hours this week?”
I said- “Why not? It’s only Thursday.”

When I got home I found a note written hastily on a piece of scrap paper and taped to the light switch, which is how we communicate in this house. Being that we never see each other- we write notes and leave them in random places and read them when we arrive home. We are a post-it note family. ^_^ And as sad and detached as that sounds, living under the same roof and never seeing the other, it works. The note said that there was a bowl of chicken chili in the fridge and a bag of Fritos on the counter for the bowl of chili and I ate that… Then I got up here and did my thing. And that’s what I’m doing now. I guess… my thing. I think I’ve gone to long without ‘my thing.’ So here I am. Slacking off again, blogging no less, at midnight.

There’s always more crap to write about. But I’m tired and I have to get up extra early tomorrow. If you get the chance and are tired of the nonsense that appears here- check out my compatriot’s blog. http://www.blackbook.blogstream.com This is a link to a very well written blog created and maintained by a friend of mine- Ryan Boyer, also known as Arby, also known as Anthony Audwin Casimire. Maybe next time I’ll come up with something phenomenal to post. Like a picture or something… whatever.

– (monsterbox)

PA: Blog-City // 05

December 15^th – I’ve been slack, oh yes I have…
Wow… I hate macintosh. I hate apple computers. They suck big ferocious monkey balls. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen. I just said BIG FEROCIOUS MONKEY BALLS.And they wouldn’t suck so much if they had a user interface… but no- no that would be WAY too easy.

So I haven’t written in a couple of… well- a while. I’ve been slack. Naturally I felt the need to return to the forum of indecency and spew a few words out here for good appearance. Um… Well hello. … twenty minutes later- I just wrote the most worthless piece of crap blog entry in the entire world. I stopped halfway through writing it, and said- what in the name of Manhattan am I doing? Then I deleted the whole thing and here we are now. Starting over after the word hello.

We’re going to take a tangent from the normal blog routine today. Mostly because I just tried the normal kind of blog I normally post, and it sucked. So we’re going to just hunker down and talk about what I did over the past week! Yay! Everyone cheer for me and my life. Its so freaking INTERESTING!!! Whoah! I’ll just bet you all break out into cold sweats just thinking about it!

MONDAY :: I woke up at oh… dang it- I don’t know. Freaking early. And I hear this amazing sound blaring like hell out of the little glowing box on the far side of my room. The reason I put the little glowing box on the far side of my room is because my room is absolutely massive and that means that I have to get up and actually walk to the opposite end to turn the thing off. A wise decision that I regret making nearly every single morning, because in the early morning- my room feels like it’s two miles long. So I get up, stumble over to the screaming noise and smack it with my hand. It bleeps twice more in defiance, and then goes silent.
Eight hours later, school is out… for most of you. I go to tutor a collection of absurdly uneducated individuals who, no matter how hard we try, cannot learn basic algebriac functions that I mastered in the SEVENTH GRADE. Good lord. Kill them all.
The moment that tutoring is out- I head to wrestling practice and beat the crap out of myself and everyone else in that room that I am ordered to beat. Basic synopsis of wrestling practice goes as follows: 1. Three PM- Enter wrestling room at 135lbs. 2. Five Thirty PM- Exit wrestling room drenched in your own sweat and the sweat of your fellow wrestlers at 132lbs. (I swear… I’m writing a book called The Wrestling Diet) Monday went a little differently though, on monday I began the first step in a series of escalating forms of pain that would climax near the end of this post. I crushed my sides in while wrestling and it hurt like… well- yeah. So the suspicion floating around this that I bruised a rib, or several of them. THEN… I go to work. Two and a half hours later, dripping and beaten and absolutely wiped out I get to go to work for four and a half hours. Once I arrive there I head into the back room where all the overstock is and prepare to shuffle it out onto the aisles like I do every night and when I reach the first box… I stop. And i realize, I can’t do this… I’m going to die if I keep doing this… I feel like crap, I haven’t eaten, I got only three minutes worth of shower I can’t barely find two minutes to breathe anymore i’m going to kill myself! Four and a half hours later I return home and click up the internet, load MSN, check my mail, and begin homework. Somewhere between one and two AM, I fall asleep with my book open on my bed.

TUESDAY :: “Shutup you stupid alarm clock! Just Shut-up!” I awake this morning to find blood trickling out of my nose, a major case of congestion, a headache, and mild fever having overtaken my body. I arrive at school at seven ten.
First hour- I sat there in numbed and glazed detachment listening to the sound of my brain oozing out of my ears. Homeroom- READ dang it! READ SOMETHING! Second and third hour went by without incident. My body made a point of persistently reminding me that it was slowly and methodically falling apart. I was sore, tired, couldn’t focus on anything, and clogged through to my cerebrum. Noting those things, I fell asleep in third hour for fifteen minutes. When the bell rang for lunch- I jerked my head up having no idea where I am and banged it against the wall behind me. Fourth hour- AP chemistry summative- and I’m mildly confident that I may have absolutely ruined it to be honest. Did not do well. When I finished the test- I again- fell asleep in fourth hour. When it was time to return to tutoring, I wandered into Mrs. Adair’s room and with one look at me she turned me right around and sent me away. “I’ll can’t let you in here if you’re sick that would be just awful you infecting my students oh my lord can you imagine that would be just absolutely awful! Mercy! You can’t come in here you go home right now and get some rest and don’t you come back in here while you’re sick oh my lord no don’t come in here getting all my students sick my little darlin’s it just kills me to see them all ill and the like oh…” … So I went to the back, retrieved a bank statement and a record of transaction over the past two months. Went home and updated my account info, and won a much coveted item on Ebay that I had been trying to secure for nearly a month now. One hour following that, I got ready to go to a wrestling tournament. And that’s what I did. Upon arriving at the tournament, I was refused the ability to wrestle on account of my sickness. Not because I would be unable, but because I might give it to my opponent. So… I got to sit there. For three hours. After three hours, coach decided to let me go. I returned home and began homework and study. Finals are coming up after all, have to be caught up… I achieved clinical death at approximately ten pm. Ah.. such a beautiful time to sleep…

WEDNESDAY :: “Die you freaking clock! DIE!!!” I awoke this morning feeling a bit better. There was still blood coming out my nose but we’ll blame that on the air. I felt myself slowly recovering over the course of the day. My internal functions began to recucitate themselves as I moved from class to class. Still tired though. And my arms and legs were much a different story. They were sore as all hell could allow. I went to tutoring and Mrs. Adair, after a stern looking-over, allowed me in. Wrestling practice was hell. I was already sore, still exhausted, and still slightly ill, but I could move, and that’s well enough. I nearly threw up by the end of the day. Which means that I’ve been out of it long enough to cause a rift in routine. Basically I was out of habit, which kinda bothers me. Work again. Same old same old. Except that today some woman was walking around in our glass aisle, where we keep the massive crystal vases. And she’s walking through there and bumps into one of the massive crystal vases and it falls off the shelf to greet the ground in many more pieces than it was before. “Oh… sorry.” She says. And walks away. Out of the store and off the parking lot. That was the extent of excitement we recieved tonight at Michaels. When I got home and 10:45, I found a small assortment of gingerbread men and cookies. I promptly devoured the first man’s torso. Now I’m blogging. Nothing more to be done. Well… okay that’s a lie. There’s always a million more things to be done. I’m slacking off you see. Me and my pitiful slackery… wow. I must suck or something. Big Ferocious Monkey Balls…

– (monsterbox)

PA: Blog-City // 05

November 25^th – Happy Thanksgiving

Well, it’s the twenty fifth of november. Thanksgiving was yesterday. Went off without a hitch. Today was different. Lots of itches. So we’re all home now in the middle of the night and everybody’s pissed off. That’s about all.

I’ve been in a mood lately. Or… lack of mood. Well no, not even that. Just lack of appropriate blogg-making mood. And time… I’ve been short on that lately also. So as far as that magical series we were doing? Yeah… it’s going on hold. I’ll pick it up later when i get time. Probably over Christmas Break, if I’m not loaded with homework and holiday crap. I’ve just been… detaching from it. So I haven’t written here in two weeks. Yet you people continue to show up. Th series, fire, rain ,color, spiders, all were good and when I finally get back into it, we’ll go ahead and publish Smoke. But till then… nah.

No don’t relax just yet. It’s not ending entirely. Smoke won’t be the end of it either. And God knows when I finish this one I’ll start another. I already have that one mapped. Why? No reason. Lots of time to think, no time at all to write. So I’ll be putting little random spouts of crap here till I’m up to speed with myself and… well I dunno.

Check out Ancient_Library I posted some new stuff, good stuff. all the relevant items can be found on the message board – monsterbox.proboards39.com

Thanks… whatever

PA: Blog-City // 05

November 6^th – Rain

So much for honesty.

It’s cold out tonight. A light drizzle has been mopping the ground for a few hours now. I think back and smile lightly to myself, in wonder of all that has happened and the amazing… loss, of so much. Hm… people. How many times have I tried to explain to people… Ah, they never understand. Which is a major reason why I’ve been so hesitant to explain anything at all about recent events. I’ve seen the blood a misunderstanding can spill. And am anxious to avoid them. I slip sometimes though. If I don’t speak, people will assume, and if they assume, they understand, whether what they understand is what really is or isn’t. And that also creates a misunderstanding.

It is in that satirical wonder that I found myself standing blankly by the side of the road watching the rain. Ever remembering… And I think back, and I smile because this winding top of useless words spinning down farther and farther in hopeless effort to uncover truth is finally winding slowly down, and is running out of steam. I hope. I think about people. I think about secrets. I think about truth and lies and honesty and dishonesty and cliche and figures of speech and… eventually they all pool together and mean the exact same thing. I guess that’s always the reason that the question of ‘why’ has always been the most important one to answer.

In the past few months I have seen so many faces on so many of the same people. And I’ve had my eyes torn open wide. You see I had it all wrong. I thought I understood society. I thought I understood people for the most minute of instances. How… presumptious of me. And suddenly this world I construct that makes sense falls apart and all the minor inconsistencies that existed before become clear and obvious, and I then understand that I’ve been wrong all along. So many faces… It’s a whole new world I discovered. Well, not really knew. It’s always been there, just… it’s a world that was never mine. I had my own world and my own fantasy. I had my own dreams and assumptions concerning… just everything. And over the past few months I got to know some different people. And I got a taste of another world, a silent current running directly parallel to mine, but invisible to those outside of it, and invisible to those who live within it. I got a small taste of this person’s world and I think they got a small taste of mine. And it clashed, violently. Not better I guess, not worse, just different. And not opposed, just incompatible. So all there could be was a taste. And I think she walked away with that flavor lingering in her mouth. Me? I wondered. And I… I guess I got too curious and my curiousity got the eventual better of me. I threw up my hands shouted “Carpe diem!” and took the biggest bite I could manage.

Click, everything changes. I felt like Columbus for a while. You don’t see them because you’re not in them. But over those past few months, I saw something I’ve never seen before in my life. And so much more made sense because I didn’t live in a world that other people saw. I lived apart, and misunderstood the world those around me shared. And it’s utterly amazing. I’ve been responding to a few rants and there’s never anything solid in them. Which is the way with emotion. In one sentence, one speaks of a love that cannot possibly ever end if it exists in the first place, and then in the next, in a new rush of emotion, one says they once had that love, and now it’s gone, that it’s no longer felt. And on request, too.

I read through letter after letter and book after book and relived memory after memory and I put everything together and I found something solve through the smoke of such a fire… And I saw the new world I had discovered and put the two side my side. And they matched… perfectly. And I felt as if shot at the revelation. So much for honesty… I wish people could hear themselves. I wish that people could honestly… HONESTLY, just listen to themselves when they speak. They’ll go on, rant, sling some mud, dredge up crud, boild some blood and let us know about the facts, the unjust acts, the cruel attacks made unto them, and then they’ll take it all back. And the reason? They never meant it in the first place. Great… you never meant that… just… what? Why? You see that’s why that question is so important. Because people with lie and believe it because they’re world defines it as truth. Oh accusations… misunderstandings.

“I did it for you. I said all that so not to hurt you.”

So much for honesty. It made sense. People do not speak truth, they speak what they need to speak and then it changes. Almost immediately. the end. I put it together and it made so much sense it was staggering. This new world wasn’t really a new world at all, it was only- their world. And not mine. That’s why so many misunderstandings, that’s why so much conflict. I lok back over the past few weeks and I have never seen so many faces… They wear so many faces. Depending on everything from what they want to who’s around. So much, for honesty. I’ve seen people change faces in the blink of an eye recently. Talking to them one second and their happy and smiling and a split second later they stand and bolt away mid conversation, because the company was different suddenly. And I thought wow, I understand exactly how necessary it is, but how honest is it? People might think about living this honesty thing before you pitch it to others. So many faces. They wear them in their worlds. They change so many times. Mostly its leverage. You wear what’s appropriate, what’s acceptable, what benefits. Yadda yadda yadda. And this new world I found, becomes one-enormous-lie… It’s a different world. Oh society… wow. People aren’t honest with themselves. They don’t believe certain things hard to believe. They don’t accept things that don’t fit what works. And they create a lie, just instinctively, and they live it. And the world’s a better place because no one has to worry about believing what they force to be untrue. They lie to themselves and that lie, that tapestry of so many millions of subtle allowances envelops them and it’s so snug and warm… it’s too cozy to remove. That’s the world people become. Their face that changes. And it’s so obvious, but so accepted. It’s an understanding between people. Everyone knows it’s a lie. everyone knows that they change faces every which direction.

“Don’t distrust me though, just because I lie to my parents doesn’t mean I’d ever lie to you.”

Wow, which one of you is that? The one that belonged to me, or the one that exists around your parents? Around friends, in different weathers, so mysterious, so dramatic, so soap opera… I opened my email and laughed- “what is all this brick and stone nonsense?” People choose their words carefully depending on whom they’re speaking with and it’s absolutely amazing the webs some people weave. The understanding though is that in this world, everyone knows, and everyone ignores because everyone believes in their world and the solid fact that it’s never fallen apart… not yet, because it never had any reason to. Everyone in this world knows that not everything you say is true, that half of it’s a lie. But it’s okay, because the one being lied to is a liar as well. They have their own faces and lies and world and… everyone- understands together, that they all lie, together. And its okay. It’s acceptable, it’s a figure of speech anymore… and, I guess…. it’s a very delicate dance, this world. Like the party-goers at Gatsby’s. And that’s how the world turns I suppose. I understand now. I understand all the faces and all the dishonesty and all the lies and misunderstandings. They have this understanding with each other, this world. The part that I missed I guess. So it really is my fault, all these terrible misunderstandings in the first palce. I just never connected with that. When I say something I mean it, what a crime… To not exaggerate. To not kid myself. My own self! I don’t kid myself the truth. And now, because of that, truth is about all i’ve got left and it’s really a worthless thing in a world where truth is whatever you’d rather it would be.

Lies. Not so much lies even… just little allowances that people make themselves. A choice to be, to believe, to understand, to pretend, to be concerned, to make another feel better, to protect themselves from the truth. Just allowances. Tiny little things. Like dew, like little drops of water. And all the people together and all the lies forms a great cloud of confusion to one who doesn’t live within it, to one who resides in a separate world… And the cloud of confusion collects all the drops together, all the little denials and it forms like a great rain, drop by drop by drop. And the rain falls drop by drop by drop and is enough, it is just enough, and great enough, that when the shelter of illusion is removed and the rain is allowed through, past the barrier of misunderstanding, to where one discovers the truth, the truth that is there is no longer any truth at all, the rain, then, is enough to drown even the most powerful of fires. The fires all go out, and there is no hope of rekindling any such fire until either the rain stops, or a new shelter against the rain is built, till a new illusion is formed and a new lie to protect the dream that was once a fire begins. But for now… the fire remains completely consumed. In absolute wonder and awe of the brave old world just discovered.

Now you see when I say that once you ask too many questions and receive too many answers you wish so hard that you had never asked in the first place because the answers were worse than the confusion. Than not knowing at all. I’ve been watching this dance for a while now and it enchants me like no other. Weaving people in and out of each other. Watching faces… watching the rainfall.

It is like rain. It is very much like rain.