POH visits New York

(Author’s note: While elements of this story may be slightly exaggerated- let it be known that it was never the intent of the author be clinically accurate as this is neither the Wall Street Journal nor an Autopsy report. It is rather the goal of this story to capture the spirit of the events that transpired. So please expect a bit of exaggeration and perhaps even slight sarcasm at some parts. Nothing major has been changed whatsoever. POH made me say all this by the way. And a bugger she is for it too.)

It was a Monday, January 28^th. And it was that POH stood proud on the steps of the Aufenager Mansion- bundled in her fur coat and purse, collected and her heart and mind prepared, and ready to brave the cold and chill and streets of the largest city on the east coast: New York City. But first… POH ran.

Chapter 1: POH Ran.

“Come on POH! It’s coming! We’ve got to go!”
POH threw one foot in front of the other at a terrifying pace. “I’m coming! I’m coming!”
“But hurry!” Monster shouted desperately. “We have to make it!”
She faltered. “No! No I can’t! Go on without me! You still have a chance!”
Monster ran back to her. “No POH! I’m not leaving you behind! We’re going to make it together. Or we’re not going to make it at all!”
Jess stood atop the train platform looking down. “Okay can you guys just get up here? The train is coming.”

Chapter 2: POH rides the train.

“Oo look here on the TRAIN!!! THE TRAIN!!! We’re riding the train isn’t this exciting you guys oh WOW… what is that!? Is that a BUILDING GOING PAST OUTSIDE THE TRAIN!?”
“Ticket please you loathsome tourist.” Said the woman in the conductor’s cap.
“Oh ticket, okay ticket ticket ticket. Okay… this is my first time here riding a train to New York City.” POH explained.
“Uh huh. I could tell.” The ticket woman answered while punching her ticket. “You lack the cold, dejected expression characteristic of the natives.”
“Oh REALLY? Well you know I am from New York just not here New York, not the city but I am from-”
“Upstate right?”
“Oh! Well just look at you! AH! Did you hear that she knows where I’m from! Oh this is so exciting I’m so excited!!!”

Chapter 3: POH drinks coffee.

“Oh WOW. We’re here! We’re in New York!” POH took a deep and rapturous breath. “Where are we?”
“Penn Station.” Jess replied. “Caleb why didn’t you bring a map of the subway tunnels?”
“You told me not to bring the map with the subway tunnels. The one I ripped last time right?”
“Yes, not that one. But the OTHER one with the subway tunnels AND the roads on it. That’s the better one!”
“This one has the subway tunnels and roads on it.”
“No. This one has roads and not subway tunnels.”
“Then what are all these little lines going across the roads?”
“Those are subway tunnels.”
“Then what-”
“They’re not labeled!”
“Oh for pities sakes.”
“OH! GUYS!” POH suddenly exclaimed. “There’s a STARBUCKS! Why is there a Starbucks in a train station?”
“Because people who ride trains want coffee.”
“I’m getting a frappucino!” POH straightened her fur coat and marched in the direction of the Penn Station Starbucks.

Jess followed her. Monsterbox, who had not eaten breakfast, marched in the direction of the subway. The sandwich shop, not the tunnel trains, and ordered a toasted sandwich and joined them later. They sat in Starbucks talking and eating and drinking, except for Jess who had apparently already had breakfast that morning and refused to eat anything shame on her.

Chapter 4: POH, Monster, and AussieChick, get lost on the Subway.

Because Monsterbox was a complete dunce and totally forgot to bring the right map and instead brought two maps that were completely the wrong map according to AussieChick (ahem ahem). The party had to wander around for a while hunting for a map on the wall that would suit their needs. Actually, it’s more accurate to say that Monster wandered around looking for a map while the two others sat and chatted mildly over POH’s dwindling frappucino.

Monster found a map. It indicated that our travelers should go left, right, left, downstairs, left, upstairs, right, and board either A, C, or E train. At least… we all thought so. That is to say that Monster and AussieChick thought so. And Aussie chick wasn’t entirely sure. Monster wasn’t entirely sure either but was a little bent over the issue of the maps. POH hadn’t the slightest idea what was going on and, under the illusion that Monster and AussieChick had a perfect grip on the situation: smiled and waltzed about the railway in whatever direction Monster and AussieChick should turn cooing happily “Oh this is so much fun I’m so loving this it’s so cool that you guys know exactly what you’re doing and where you’re going and I’m just here not having any idea but I’m so glad you know exactly where you’re going like my little tour guides!”

On a hunch, Monster said. “I think this is the train to uptown.” And they boarded.

Half an hour later the trio rose to the street somewhere in Queens. “That was so not the right train.” Monster and AussieChick thought silently. But no one heard it. Instead what they heard was the cry of pleasure from POH when she looked up and saw that street sign called Broadway. POH went to town on that misunderstanding. “OH WE’RE ON BROADWAY!”

“Yes…” Replied Monster and AussieChick. “We sure are…” It was later that AussieChick whispered to Monsterbox: “I didn’t know they had so many streets named Broadway.” And Monsterbox had to admit, he didn’t either. POH immediately found a Christian Bookstore the product of which was 75% Spanish literature and entered, tried her hand at translating some of the covers of a few books with some success, bought three magnets, and just as quickly departed. For some reason they walked a block up the road, probably to solidify the idea that they were entirely lost, turned around, walked back that same block, and wandered back into the subway to board another train.

Four trains later, they disembarked and found themselves in the basement of the Museum of Natural History, which brought great relief to the two tour guides, and thrilled poor POH to no end. The Museum of Natural History however suggested donations of 15 dollars per visitor which would have carved into a great deal of shopping potential later. So they did not enter.

Chapter 5: POH, Monster, and AussieChick find a bathroom.

Chapter 6: POH is a total tourist in the streets of New York City.

Nuff said. The remainder of the day involved walking.

The trio surfaced shortly and found themselves standing alongside the museum and Central Park. They began walking. They would not return to the subway until it was time to go, which is a very funny story in itself.

POH strutted in her fur coat, aweing at buildings and oohing at the many shops and the swarms of people and the smells in the air and the thrill of the moment and of her immediate company, her eyes constantly upwards, scanning the present horizon in wonder of the heights of the structures and generally being a total tourist. AussieChick searched for shops to buy things in, and Monsterbox merely counted Starbucks. There were at least twelve between the MNH and Times Square. Times Square is, ultimately, where they decided to go.

Shopping of course would come naturally. The first shop to be explored was a toy shop with a number of items for ’sale.’

The word “sale” is mankind’s undiscovered trump over women. Whereas women are capable of controlling the whole of mankind with so many looks and sounds and on occasion the removal of clothes perhaps thus rendering the entire male race into states the likes of which resemble large, drooling zombies with absolutely surrendered to the will of woman kind- Mankind has yet to entirely discover their equal and opposite power in the world “sale.”

:: The word ’sale’ is capable of brining the entire female species to its knees.

It is arguable that similar forces exist within the words “bargain” and “clearance.” It is with patience and tact that mankind secretly holds this secret weapon for when the time is right.

Today however the word sale meant only that there were toys for cheap and that POH and AussieChick would have their hands upon them. POH and AussieChick and even Monster wandered curiously about the shop for some time touching things and playing with things and holding things. POH purchased a letter-car train set spelling her name and some other items. AussieChick bought a plastic whistle of absolutely indeterminable value. And Monster was twice asked if he worked there.

They moved on to a store specializing in clothes.

AussieChick demanded that Monster hold her purse while she browsed.
“You realize that I appear to be a total fruit while holding this.” Said Monster, shouldering the purse.
“Yes, but you’re my total fruit.” AussieChick replied unconcerned and continued looking at headbands.

It was as if anything and everything in that store would be loved by one or the other of POH’s many children made evident by the random, but consistent POHclamations of “Oh Jenny would just LOVE this!” or “Look wouldn’t that be good for Brandy?” or “Oh that one is SO Sabrina!”

More items were purchased and the trio moved on. It had been decided that Times Square was the destination finale so the group kept to Broadway, attending the various shops which grew more and more diverse and more and more colorful and grand as they moved closer and closer to the square. About five Starbucks in by Monster’s count, they entered a Deli and AussieChick finally ate a sandwich of some kind. Later it would be Monster’s turn again to eat something.

Let it be noted that though she was offered, and often, POH refused to eat a meal whatsoever the entire trip in the expectation that later that day she would receive a bowl of Cold Stone Ice Cream (insert Registered Trademark Copyright symbol here) and wanted to conserve space.

Chapter 7: POH is noticed by a bum.

While still walking some three-quarters the way to Times Square, POH’s feet and body began to ache, as did everybody’s. As it seemed remotely relevant- Monster and AussieChick reminisced humorously about watching POH run (See chapter 1) and had a good laugh. POH, with some pride, and some indignation perhaps, related to Monster and AussieChick that running had been something she would have excelled at some time ago, was still capable of walking long distances, continued on about her recent undertakings in synchronized swimming, and explained that while in good condition there were some things that her body was just not quite as capable of now that it had once been.

It was at this point that a homeless can-collector the three were passing looked up and muttered. “Oh your body will do anything you want it to.”

Which raised great laughs from everyone who witnessed the event. There is still some speculation as to whether the laughter had anything to do with what the man actually said and whether or not it was sarcasm, and what is more likely: that everyone was laughing that the man said anything at all for the novelty of being called out by a homeless New Yorker who still had some uncrushed spirit left in him.

Later POH mused that she would have liked to have given the man a dollar for making everyone’s day. But she never did.

Monster equally mused that if he’d been given a dollar by every person whose day he’d ever made he’d be in Australia and living grandly by now.

Again- everyone had a good laugh.

Chapter 8: POH visits Times Square.

By now it was fully evening and everyone was becoming very tired, but Times Square approached boldly in the distance so the walk must continue. And it did. Monster explained that it was easy to find Times Square from any point in the city, and that all that is needed is to follow the glamour and lights. Times Square is absolutely drenched in lightbulbs. Flashing ones, with lots of colors.

Several pictures were taken before someone noticed the temperature and everyone decided to find a nice building, preferably with central heating, to enter and explore. The solution came in the form of a three story M&M’s shop complete with giant M&M characters and escalators. It was loads of fun and wildly creative and had absolutely no bathroom.

Everyone thus went across the street to the McDonalds being inferior with only two stories but all the same having a bathroom which was immediately utilized. Then they all sat down at a booth and rendered their feet some rest while POH expressed great relief that Monsterbox and AussieChick were at least as exhausted as she was- for two hours.

Somewhere within the two hours AussieChick decided she wanted some nuggets and Monster rose to get them for her. Also they were visited by a deaf-mute who stopped by the table to deliver a pencil and a card explaining that the pencil was not free, and to attempt his very best in saying an audible thank you when POH gave him a dollar. He received an 8 in cuteness but no more than a 2 in creating the audible thank you as he was a deaf mute.

There were a number of Shops near Times Square that appealed directly to tourists, selling shirts five for ten dollars and seven for ten dollars with I (heart) NY and images of the towering buildings and you know… things that new York is known for. Touristy things. And postcards ten for a dollar which was a great deal compared to the 34 cent postcards in Huntington that Monster had been looking at earlier.

The girls had a heyday with the tourist shops. Monster did not have a heyday with anything having intentionally not brought cash. Other highlights concerning Times Square include buying paintings from a street vendor who did not actually paint anything but sold three dollar reprints of paintings that someone down the block sold originals of for nine dollars or some such foolery- and AussieChick finally succumbing to the urge of buying a massive, street-vendor pretzel for no other reason than to make jealous her friend in Australia who are apparently a bit short on and have never actually seen massive street-vended pretzels before even though she’s not particularly fond of eating them.

After AussieChick had taken all the photos necessary to create a truly marvelous envy in her friends back home- Monsterbox and POH enjoyed Jess’s pretzel marvelously even without cheese.

Chapter 9: POH contends with a subway gate.

It was not long before it was time to board the train home. But for that, the travelers needed to get back to the train station which required one final spurt of subway riding. Even having been totally lost on the first ride on the subway that morning, the final ride on the subway that night proved to be infinitely more strenuous. It began with the fact that Monsterbox had apparently misplaced the group metro card. Which sucked. Especially since this tragedy went undiscovered till the three of them were standing at the gate where the metro card was needed.

Bugger. Everyone thought. POH, overtaken by gratitude and charity forced upon the unwilling Monsterbox a sum of ten dollars with which he was expected to venture out into the world beyond and find a terminal at which a new metro card could be purchased. This, unbeknownst to anyone at the start of this endeavor, would involve running up into the streets, contending with traffic, going into the subway station on the other side which doubled as train station, museum, and deli, and getting lost within the three story underground complex without cell phone service, finding a machine, getting quite lost on the way back, again braving the traffic, and finally returning to the original gate.

Monster offered AussieChick the card so as to be the first to pass through. AussieChick forced Monster to pass through first. Which he did. Handing the card back through the bars POH took the card and with some confusion, slid it through the slot till it beeped, and then, after slight hesitation, waltzed directly into the door which held fast.

POH tried the card again, pulled on the door instead of pushing, and nullified its use that round. She tried it again and pushed to early. Jamming the door. After she was halted by three natives, Monster, and AussieChick, told exactly how to operate the card, when, and in which direction to push both the card and the door, POH tried the card a final time and proudly stepped through the rotating bars, fur coat in tact. There was quite nearly an applause. POH graciously handed the card through the bars to AussieChick who did, with great disappointment, but not necessarily surprise, discover that the card was now entirely empty. All its money had been spent.

Monster ran through the tunnels again to find a fresh terminal and to purchase a new card, he did so, aided a homeless man which no one saw, and returned in timely fashion to let AussieChick through to join the two others and the three made a successful, albeit slightly early arrival at the train station where they promptly boarded the wrong car and had to be led by the ticket man to the correct car.

POH remained bubbly regardless, albeit quite tired. Everyone took a collective rest on the train ride home and earned some much needed quiet time.

The End.

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Tags: aussie, Australia, blog, bond, caleb, city, coat, connie, cooke, freedom, freemonster, fun, fur, human, jessica, life, monsterbox, new, NYC, philosophy, POH, roy, spirit, square, subway, times, tourist, train, travel, tunnel, york

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