Why Hello Officer

It’s beginning to stun me the frequency at which I run into New York Police Officers.

It’s really beginning to stun me. I fully maintain my self-proclaimed status as the luckiest person I’ve ever heard of. These numerous encounters are strangely proving to be not exceptions to this trend, but examples.

Last time this happened I was with Steve. I was driving in Queens and took a right at a red light, which is in those parts: quite illegal. Steve muttered something about it and I turned to ask him and nearly hit a woman stepping through a crosswalk. She began to spout that I was crazy, very loudly. Whew. At least I didn’t hit her. I was soon after pulled over by an entire vanload of officers who upon pulling Steve and I out of the car noticed that I did not have anything at all resembling a new York drivers license, no New York registration, my car insurance was about to expire, and I was missing my rearview mirror.

    Oh, and they found a knife in my car.

    They called another car in to add double to officers to the fiasco unfolding and you know what happened? Nothing. Not a ticket, not even an earmark on my record. They let me go completely and totally free.

    How did this happen?

    Because I am the most god-blessed human being alive.

    Just tonight… oh wow tonight was so hilarious. My car insurance expired like… a month ago. On April sixth, 2008. And right there on my insurance card it reads: EXPIRES 04-06-08. That’s all well and good but is not at all good for getting pulled over. So I tossed that little card long ago. Not before scanning it into the computers at office max, photoshopping the date a bit by cloning the 08 into the month slot, printing, sticking together with some double stick tape, and laminating it all for cleanliness. My tags and plates expired four days ago. I had just meant to take the stickers off the license plates because in New York there are no stickers, they literally ask you for your registration. You’re supposed to keep it in the car. That’s one of the understandings that I and a few officers in Queens came to when they asked me for registration and I didn’t have any idea what they were talking about. In Missouri you don’t carry around any registration. It’s right there on your license plates. (I’m going to have to make new stickers.)

    NY officers are apparently unaware of this fact about Missouri. Not that I’ve lived in Missouri at all in the past year or so. I lived in Kansas. But the difference in state policy has certainly worked in my favor. And I’ll tell you how. For those of you who wish NOT to be concerned about me (any more than you already are) please do not read further.

    Tonight I was pulled over. Apparently the lights on my back plates were out. At this time I have no insurance on the car, and the vehicle plates are four days expired. It says so right on the plates too. April 08.

    I handed the officer my license and laminated insurance information and went through the same old “Registration? What do you mean registration… I… I have my title… is that what you want?” No no. Your registration.

    He told me that my license was fine and that my insurance was fine (WOW) but my plates said that I was four days expired. Ah… yeah.

    I’m getting those new stickers mailed to me. I said. (And I am… eventually.)

    ”Okay that’s fine. That’s fine. I’m just going to run your plates. Look I’m sure you’re legit, I don’t think you’d drive all the way from Missouri with expired tags that would be-”

    ”A nightmare. Yeah.” I said.

    ”Yeah. So, just sit tight, I’ll be right back.” Okay.

    I got back in my car. Did I mention I had gotten out of my car? Yeah, me and the officer were both out of the car chatting on the side of the road, checking out my license plate. Ah… yeah those lights ARE out. I’ll have to get those fixed right away.

    I got back in the car and waited for him to look up my completely expired license plates.

    My hands did get a little sweaty. Just a little. The guy was back there for upwards of forty five minutes. I made two phone calls while I was waiting. Just returning some messages.

    He finally came back up to my car. Shockingly, without handcuffs. “Okay, you’re fine I’m just going to need you to get that light fixed and to mail a copy of your registration to this address before this date okay? You get it in on time and you won’t even have to pay a fine.”

    ”Thank you sir. Sorry about the light.”

    ”No problem. Drive safe.”

    ”I will, thank you!”

    And off I went.

    … yeah.

    Holy crap right? Thank you God… thank you Jesus. Thank you God.

    I do not know WHAT that guy saw back on his car computer when he ran my plates. But whatever it was, it allowed me to drive away with no car insurance, no registration, expired tags RIGHT ON THE LICENSE PLATES, no rearview mirror STILL, a burnt out plate light, a shot front right turn signal, and absolutely no ticket.

    … no awkward moments either. The entire thing was as conflict free as a meeting with an officer can possibly get.

    I think it makes sense actually. I’ve always been prone to the most ironic in a situation. And I think that plus the fact that I’m extremely lucky and BLESSED beyond anything I ever deserved makes me a natural cop magnet. Much to Steve’s dismay. Sorry Steve!

    So I’ve got to get a back light fixed. And I’ve got to forge a registration, send it in, and count on the fact that I look at scores of the things daily because people are getting them faxed to Office Max to take back to the DMV just blocks away and hope that I can make something accurate enough that it won’t be given a second glance so long as the correct name and date are on it and I feel pretty good about that because there are so many people in this state and they’ve all got paperwork running around the system and heck… they’re busy. Can’t triple check everything. That’s that delicate human part of the system.

    Sheesh… if this keeps up I’ll not even exist in that system by the end of the year. I’ll just that guy with three first names who goes wherever he wants, pays no government fees nor taxes nor anything but still has all the documentation that makes it look legit.

    Oo this is too crazy.

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