The Island

Today’s image I’ve left untitled. It’s a photo of my recently acquired clarinet in its case setting alone on the floor of Captain Jack’s dining/living/sitting/reading/everything room. I’m trying to sell it. Kinda because I have no idea how to play and thereby no use whatsoever for a clarinet. Mostly though because I want money more than I want the clarinet… nice as it is…

Currently Listening To: Everything Has Changed | William Fitzsimmons

I love this song… It’s another recommendation by Alyssa Stuart, my outside eardrum, my audio taste tester… My musical, harmonical, extraordinary lyrical genius. She has never once recommended something that I didn’t absolutely fall in immediate love with. Aside Keith Urban… but that’s another story… ^_^

I like the subtleties… I like being able to just sit amongst a crowd and watch them all move. I always… always have. In fact… I think it might just be my favorite ever thing to do. There are times when I’m lonely and it feels so right to go and melt amongst people, wallowing in the company to which I’m still completely invisible.

There are times when I would rather be lonely. It still feels so right to sit amidst a crowd of people entirely unnoticed. No matter how the company strikes me, it’s always somehow right. It feels that the very circumstances in which I’ve placed myself relate to me.

I am not easily related to. I am not easily understood. I think the day I’m completely understood is the day that someone sits and watches the swarm of people just as I do and feels just the same amount of rightness about it. It’s reasonless and it’s beautiful and it hurts and I love it… It’s a thing you do alone though. So even if it ever happened, my knowing it… would destroy it.

My whole life… in some way or another I’ve felt… a singularity. I don’t want to call it a loneliness, because that isn’t what it is. I know lonely, I’ve had that.

This is different…

I’m the one to which everyone I knew and know goes to when they need to share, to talk, to cry, to relate… I’ve never gone to anyone with the same. I am the wailing wall. I was the resort, the vacation, the escape that brought back the sanity and made whatever was unclear clear. I am an island. Thanks John Donne, I know you meant well but you, like everyone else, are wrong at least some of the time.

My whole life has been lived behind a pane of glass. I’ve been watching through it this entire time, sitting, leaning forward on my stool in this glass box watching it all… quietly. I have always maintained a sedated detachment to the rest of humanity. I understand it I think better than anyone else I’ve ever known. But I relate to it less than anyone I’ve ever even heard of.

I am an island with one gigantic telescope. I see you all. But in truth… I’m not there. And I’ve never been there. This singularity… this is everything I want to be. I’m the very best at it. I’m better at it than anyone else.

I get along with people. Understatement. People… love me. People are absolutely crazy about me sometimes. There are people who want to die for me. There are people who have described me as ridiculous things… so many who didn’t want to live if I weren’t there for living with. As if I were breath…

I get along well with people. But I will never seek them out. And I never have. The closest in my entire life I’ve come to that is sitting in the crowd and watching from behind my pane of glass. I spent nine months and didn’t speak a word and it was complete bliss to me. I left everyone and everything I knew in a state over a thousand miles away in exchange for a world where I knew no one and it’s been incredibly for me. I was told by my crying mother that she and my dad were getting a divorce and it didn’t mean a thing to me…

and I know she saw it in my face when she told me there on the stairs and I know she saw it because the most remarkable thing about that moment for me was figuring out the confusion on her face when I didn’t react.

It’s the same look I saw in her face when I told her I was going to New York and then actually did it. It’s probably the last look I’ll ever see on her face when I stop back through on my way to California to board the plane for Australia.

I know you all… but no one really knows me.

I’m a freeMonster. I’m a single, solitary unit. I am an island.

I always will be.

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Tags: alone, Alyssa, caleb, case, clarinet, donne, floor, freemonster, island, john, monsterbox, new, new york, NY, NYC, photo, picture, roy, stuart, tile, wood, york

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