The Hotel Room

It’s feels like we’re breaking up. That’s what this feels like which…

I mean admittedly… we’ve had the strangest relationship right? I mean… how many people have had the kind of relationship that we’ve had, how many people have had the kind of experiences we’ve had?

… no one.

And now it feels like we’re breaking up…

“I don’t want it be like this. I don’t want it to feel like this.”

Oh New York… Planning the trip, getting all the money together… not really knowing entirely what to do when the traveling finally stops.

Just knowing that all the traveling is for one (one) person. And it’s so worth it right? It’s soooo worth it.

John Castaldo’s hotel… That guy should start a restaurant, he’s got the taste for it he’s got the name for it. I can see it now.

Castaldo’s

“I never wanted to hurt you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do.”

John’s delivering a really good deal with this hotel room. A really good deal. No one is going to find a better rate on the whole island.

It’s going to be a good time. I’m telling you. We’re both going to have a good time.

You need to meet Steve.

“Steve!”

calep. … wtf?

“This isn’t working.”

“What’s not working?”

“I just… I just don’t want to stay in that room. You know? I just don’t want to stay there.”

… of course I trust you though how can you even say that of course I trust you…

This feels familiar… this feels like… I don’t know but I know this feeling this is… this is what it feels like when a boyfriend and a girlfriend break up.

“We’ve had the strangest ever relationship right? I mean… can we agree on that?”

This is… this is retarded.

“What’s wrong? There’s something else… what is it? … do you know what that thing is can you tell me?”

“… is there anything I can do?“
Is there anything I can do?

“Look, fine, whatever, I’ll do whatever I just don’t want to feel like this I don’t want either of us to feel like this.”

“Hey Caleb.”
“Hey Steve.”
“How’r ya doin mah brotha?”
“I’m alright…”
“When was the last time you talked to her?”
“… I can’t even remember.”
“Hm.”

“Steve she’s mad at me.”
“What really?”
“Yeah…”
“Well… what you did? What did you do to make her mad?”

something about a hotel room…

something about… being alone… not knowing anyone… being scared or something…

of course I trust you how could I not trust you?

Oh new york…

“Saw you guys checked out a little early?”

“Look it’s gonna be late nights and early mornings you wouldn’t even be there long enough to… to think about anything.”
“No. That’s not going to work.”

“Okay we should just… go home. You should take me home now.”
“… yeah.”

“Oookay… is this awkward?”
“Yes.”
“Alright………… aaalright.”

“I don’t want to feel this way you know. I don’t want either of us to feel this way.”

“So early that even I couldn’t catch you eh? Now give me her father’s address so I can send him the tape lol.”
“It wouldn’t make any sense.”

You were in my apartment for four days.

and so were you.

something about being scared about not knowing anyone…

oh australia…

so I thought about moving the trip up.

“Caleb… oh caleb no. Look, you gotta stick to the plan mah brotha you got to stick to the plan, it’s destiny.”
“No steve… it’s whatever I say it is. That’s the only reason anything ever happens to me. I make it happen.”
“No look mon, we gonna get your head straight. Me and kristin are gonna talk you out of it.”
“Sure you are Steve.”

something about… strangers.

“What is it? I’ll do whatever it is I just… I don’t what to do? It’s still not alright? What do I need to do?”

Listen I’ll stay. I’ll stay okay? …

“Naw steve it still wasn’t right.”
“You said you’d stay?”
“Yeah I said it”
“And she still not alright?”
“Still not alright…”
“… there’s something you ain’t tellin’ me mah brotha.”

“I’m… I’m just going to step out for a bit, just a little while.”
“Are you okay?”

“You don’t want to ask that question…”
… you always say that…

“Yeah… I’m just going to go buy a lottery ticket.”
“…why?”
“Today’s the day. Today is just that day.”
“Caleb that sounds a little crazy.”

… do you see where I am? What of this isn’t crazy?

We’ve had the strangest relationship

and so have we.
…and i miss you.

i miss you too…

: Everything is a temporary segmentation of reality’s generous cornucopia of potential lifestyles, experiences, pathways, joys, sadnesses, revelations, and even religions. We check in and out of them with no more effort than receiving or relinquishing room keys at an econolodge but regard each of them as though they were the whole world… as though this temporal minuteness were life and all that exists in it. This isn’t the flavor of the week, this isn’t the favorite color I’m talking about, those things are the changes within the phase. The entire color spectrum will shift and nothing we knew before will even exist.

:We are eras.

:Human beings are timespans that define a theme if you let them. THE theme. The characteristics of your whole world can be enveloped by the existence of a few people or even one person… and that, purportedly, is normal.

:It’s when the theme itself begins to wrap being around those people and layer it’s lessons across the spectrum of experience in far too obvious exposure that you worry. From such things some derive fate and that dilutes everything. When you experience an experience, and then that experience is directly duplicated, DIRECTLY, but positions you at another angle to the experience… so that it’s mindlessly obvious that you’re watching it all over again, but this time you’re on the other side of the stage… Better yet you’re playing a different character in the cast…

What is this icky substance that is coating me now? This is life? This nasty ineloquent pus is life? This grime and this corrosion and waste, the stink of endgame massacred moment and damage control is life?

Yes baby and it’s beautiful isn’t it?

Couldn’t have said it better my friend it’s absolutely gorgeous… Just watch it will you?

I’m watching it baby it’s so complex and unintelligible and complicated isn’t it? It’s a beautiful chaotic hell.

And when you can love that… when you can love even hell just for it’s complexity and it’s lack of reason… then you’ve finally found the other side of the coin. That crazy part, you know… the insanity? That’s the other side of the coin and you’ve got to have that other side because a one sided coin is no good to anyone, a coin isn’t worth anything without that second side. Without it all you’ve got is half a coin.

Once you’ve got that you’ll feel a little peeling in your mind and some things will begin to turn off and other things that you never knew were there will begin to light up and little gears that never moved will start to turn and by god you’ll laugh and laugh and laugh.

You’ll stare your own suffering in the face and laugh. Because it hurts… but you feel it and that’s beautiful.

You’ll realize that everything impossible is possible and everything you thought was possible is now impossible because you’ll understand it all from a different angle do you see what I’m saying?

When something doesn’t work out you’ll just flip that coin to the other side and everything is functional again, everything is neat and clean and sensible and sound.

What is this life? This is life?
This is life baby… this is that marvelous thing all those scholar people are always scratching their heads over. This is it.
This? … but it’s hideous.
Well yeah it is, heck baby anything’s hideous when you hold it at that angle, turn that puppy around like this.

Oh wow… that’s pretty.

Your mistake is trying to make sense of it all.

My success is based in the idea of merely making use of it all… and thinking a few dimensions above the rest of you.

… so… we’ll see.

You won’t see actually… you’re only looking at one angle… but I’ll see.

… I see everything.

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Tags: alzheimers, calep, castaldo, hotel, john, marvelous, room, the, yonica babyeah, you

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